I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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