I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
