It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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