did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
