Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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