my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
