Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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