If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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