My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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