His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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