So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
