I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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