I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
