Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
