Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Is Oprah even human
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize