you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
