Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
