I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
