i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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