Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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