Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
