I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
