My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
