i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
