I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
