i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
