things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
