the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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