is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Porn is love you can see.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
