I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
