3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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