Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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