We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
