I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize