And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize