i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
