But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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