There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm too high and old for this...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
