Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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