it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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