Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
