I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
