apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
