I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
