Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
