im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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