yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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