Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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