we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
