The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So here I am, sexting at work.
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