you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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