I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize