if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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