I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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