Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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