My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
