I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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