made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
