A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
